X Files

Mulder, there something out there. I know. I've been saying that for years

Do you believe in the afterlife, Scully? I'd settle for a life in this one.

The answers are there, you just have to know where to look for them. That's why they put the 'I' in FBI.

I tied up an air phone for three hours. I don't speak Japanese, but I think some businessman told me to stick a piece of sushi where the sun don't shine.

The fiercest enemy is the man who has nothing left to lose.

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

It's been said that fear of the unknown is an irrational response to the excesses of the imagination. But our fear of the everyday, of the lurking stranger and the sound of footfalls on the stairs, the fear of violent death and the primitive impulse to survive, are as frightening as any X-File, as real as the acceptance that it could happen to you.

I feel like I've lost sight of myself, Mulder. It's hard to see, let alone find, in the darkness of covert locations. I mean, I wish I could say that we were going in circles, but we're not. We're going in an endless line, two steps forward and three steps back. While my own life is standing still.

Get that gun out of my face! This high-capacity compact Sig Sauer .40 caliber weapon is pointed at your head to stress my insistence that your search for who put your partner on that respirator desist immediately!

You know, they say when you talk to God it's prayers, but when God talks to you it's schizophrenia.

Boston Legal

You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."

We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.

For the future... I don't really appreciate comments about my hair. Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. And I assumed you wouldn't want me to go anywhere near your eyebrows.

No, actually. I just saw this fair maiden here talking to a tree trunk, and since I'm an arborist I thought I could help translate.

Hello, big people. Sorry to intrude, but you seem rather strapping. Here's three hundred dollars. Would you be so kind as to go hit that man down there?

You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.

Objection, your Honor. You can't preface your second point with "first of all."

Massachusetts is a blue state. God has no place here.

Denny Crane, Trix are for Kids... Denny Crane, coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.

If she tries to pee standing up, come get me.

You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.

Could I trouble you to do a quick background check? I realize we haven't spoken much since we stopped having sex, and frankly I'm dismayed by that. But, what I need to know is everything you can find out about my new client...

So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?

It's okay; I'm an ex-Marine. I was a trained sniper. Or was I a pilot? I can't remember. Anyway, I'm more of a skeet shooter now, so when I say 'pull,' you're going to open that door.

It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans... we're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys.

They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something, I came out here to enjoy nature, don't talk to me about the environment.

I am very disappointed. I gave you a terrific speech last week, Bernie, appealing to the kind inner you. It was wonderful - poignant, even, and how you have completely mooted it by committing murder again. I never meant to kill her! Well, what? You just went over there to make an omelet and things got out of hand?

Let me tell me two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair. That's three things. See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.

Now, Alan, if all else fails and you think you've lost... pretend you've won! Works for our president.

You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul. Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it." Just once I wish you'd quote a Republican. I want a kindler and gentler nation.

(and the classic nod to the audiance moments) I can act... I have an Emmy. Ah, Denny, I've hardly seen you this episode. What am I supposed to do? Beam myself to Boston every morning. Did you say Klingons?

House

Everybody lies!

Men should grow up. Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.

That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality. Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.

Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.

You're *orange*, you moron. And it's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colours, she's just not paying attention.

I am the doctor who's trying to save your son's life. You're the mother who's letting him die. Clarification- it's a beautiful thing.

You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, "friend" also translates into "limping twerp".

You really don't need to know everything about everybody. I don't *need* to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.

You're reading a comic book. And you're drawing attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a "state-the-obvious" contest. I'm competitive by nature.

I just want to die with a little dignity. There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it! I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass... it's always ugly, always! You can live with dignity; you can't die with it!

You think it's going to come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem: it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff? You're gonna rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops. How did you...? You've been here for half an hour and you haven't sat down; that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is; that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved under your arm; that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemarrhoids. I've been a doctor twenty years, you're not going to surprise me. It's an MP3 player. Is it... is it because of the size, the shape, or is it the pounding bass line?

If you have the money, then why did you need the loan? I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you'd draw the line. You're - you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship? That's five grand, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. So what do you say, one little phone call, one big check?

Department of justice statistics show it's a racially motivated form of punishment. Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than whites. Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty. Just means we need to kill more white people.

If I thought you were capable of listening, I'd shut up. That makes no sense at all.

Nobel invented dynamite. I won't accept his blood money.

If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

How's an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin? Are you serious? Man knows prisons. When we got a yachting question, we'll come to you.

How does someone just start drooling? Chase? Were you wearing your short shorts?

In pre-med, I had a professor who - - touched you in the naughty place?

Nonconformity; right... I can't remember the last time saw a twenty something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel; stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a hair cut. Like the Asian kids that don't leave the library for a twenty hours stretch. They're the ones that don't care what you think.

When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget.

You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record. No, it wasn't a racial thing. I didn't see a black guy, I just saw a doctor with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. And I hired you because you are extremely pretty. You hired me to get into my pants? I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.

You didn't have to. People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's a law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could've married rich, you could've been a model, you could've just shown up and people would've given you stuff - lots of stuff - but you didn't. You worked your stunning little ass off. Am I supposed to be flattered? Gorgeous women do not go to medical school... unless they are as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member?

Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. Short, sweet, grab a file. This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? [everybody raises their hand] Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.

What is that? What are you taking? Painkillers. Oh, for your... for your leg. No, 'cause they're yummy! Want one?

You assaulted that man! Fine. I'll never do it again. Yes you will. All the more reason this debate is pointless.

Ah, a rash, call a dermatologist. If it's wet, keep it dry. If it's dry, keep it wet. If it's not supposed to be there, cut it off. I never could remember all that.

I need you to wear your lab coat. I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

"Everybody lies"... except *politicians*? House, I believe you are a romantic. You didn't just believe him, you believed in him. You wanna come over tonight and watch old movies and *cry*? Dr. Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much *niceness* and not get any on you

Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job. But as the philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want."

So there I was, in the clinic, drunk, so I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find...

So what's your plan? You take the big dark one, I'll take the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things get tough.

That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat. No, I wanted to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower.

She's the CEO of Sonyo cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.

I'm a little busy - gettin' my drink on.

Treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.

All natural, no dyes. That's a good business - all-natural children's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie about how much they spend in research and development. The worst a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up 40 bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop *really* fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit.

I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back's turned you wait in line?

You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.

This is your big idea, "someone is lying." Hasn't failed me yet.

The Shield

Good cop and bad cop have left for the day. I'm a different kind of cop.

Right now Vic Mackey may look like a mighty big catch to you. Do the smart thing, son. Cut bait. It doesn't bother you, the things he does? I don't judge other cops. Mackey's not a cop. He's Al Capone with a badge. Al Capone made money by giving the people what they wanted. What people want these days is to make it to their cars without getting mugged. Come home from work and see their stereo is still there. Hear about some murder in the barrio, find out the next day the police caught the guy. If having all those things means some cop roughed up some spic or some nigger in the ghetto... well, as far as most people are concerned it's don't ask, don't tell.

The evidence is lacking. So is Dutchboy's dick but I'm not helping find that either.

Since when do you speak Spanish? I'm taking a class... I work in Los Angeles. Not knowing the language was limiting me from being the best detective I could be.

Pack up your shit and get on the first donkey back to home.

The truth is like grits, you can't serve it up plain, you got to put a little salt on it.

Maybe in your own mind amigo. But around here, i don't answer to you, not now, not even on Cinco De Mayo.

Thanks for making me queen. Enjoy your kingdom.

If my tone sounds superior it's because I'm American and you're Greek!

Put your clothes on, get out of here, and change your taste in men.

So, if I'm a cocksucker . . . What do you mean "if"?

Why can't one of them do it? They don't look gay enough.

The list is in a safe, in the Captain's office, in a POLICE STATION.

I need more flags.

Partner up with a criminal? I can name one flaw in that plan.

There's no pressure. Lend him a Rolaids.

Huh... the Armenians... speak Armenian.

They take skin from your butt... Left cheek and upper thigh. These jokes just write themselves.

You better figure out how much you hate me. And how you're going to deal with that. 'Cause I'm not going anywhere.

Are you gonna hold this third strike over me for the rest of my life? I could lie to you. But I have far too much respect for you as a person. Yes I am!

You having a sidewalk sale and didn't invite us, Taylor, I thought we was on yo mailing list.

I'll go play good cop. I've already played good cop! Well, I'll play better cop.

Let me guess - you're either with Vic Mackey or you're against him. Keeps things simple.

You're going to free a murderer so his mob boss can kill him? It sounded a lot better the way Vic explained it... No. Thank god. Were going to do it for him.

Is that a reporter? Yeah. Haven't you heard? Our captain's a "Latino to watch". When's someone going to write an article about lanky white guy to watch?

Eatin' ain't cheatin'.

You hold it out long enough, some people feel compelled to take the gum. It's a sign they'll crack under pressure.

Oh shit! Thats Armenian for, Oh shit.

Screamers

Thats right, NoJo's not a real little boy.

When he's best, he's little worst than a man, When he's worst, he's little better than a beast.

Which may should signify that you bite, and snarl, and play the dog. like me.

Help me, Help me, Down, Down to hell, and say that I sent you there.

I came into this world with my legs forward, and a woman cried, 'he was born with teeth'.

I have no father : I am like no father, I have no brother : I am like no brother, in this word 'love' which old farts call divine, be resident in people like you asshole, but not in me. I am my motherfucking self, alone.

Dogma

Last 5 days on earth... If I had a dick I would go get laid. We can do the next best thing though. Lets kill people.

You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing about, is it?

No pleasure, No rapture, No exquisite sin greater, Than Central Air.

My God. I've heard a rant like this before What did you say? I've heard a rant like this before Don't you fuckin' do that to me You sound like the Morning Star You shut your fuckin' mouth! You do! You sound like Lucifer man! You fuckin' lost it! You're not talkin' about goin' home Bartleby, you're talkin' about fuckin' war on God. Well fuck that. I have seen what happens to the proud when then take on the throne. I'm goin' back to Wisconsin.

Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.

You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland? No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or... or with his tusk, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do... what do they do? They... They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensure the destruction of one's inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions... by inhibiting our decisions, out of... out of fear of some... some intangible parent figure who... who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says... and says, "Do it - Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you."

Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody is a theology scholar.

He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled. You're suggesting I need to get filled? In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes. It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan. That'a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side? Couldn't do it. Women are insane. Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option. I think that God is dead. The sign of a true Catholic.

Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.

If you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.

Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young. Kind of like the tobacco industry? Christ, if only we had their numbers.

Quit killing people, that's high profile.

Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are then don't be there.

I repeat, this is not a drill. This is the apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. Thank you.

Mary Shelly's Frankenstein

I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all. I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other.

You fool, Victor Frankenstein of Geneva, how could you know what you had unleashed? How was it pieced together? Bits of thieves? It's of murderers? Evil stitched to evil stitched it evil. God help your loved ones.

You're wrong. I of all men know that.

I will have revenge! FRANKENSTEIN!

I am done with man.

There was something at work in my soul which I do not understand. And what of my soul? Do I have one? Or was that a part you left out?