Emotional
Flatline
It’s hard to explain, but
I’m going to try. Somehow, I think that
talking to the great void, otherwise known as the internet, is going to
help.
Michelle was her name, the
sister of my best friend in high school.
I don’t think anyone in the clique knew how much we cared for each
other, that we both dreamed of being together, away from the world we grew up
in. I remember like it just happed, she
asked if I had ever thought of getting married before, being so young, I was thrown
off guard; in retrospect, I realize that
she was pleading for me to take her away from the life she was stuck in,
or at least to plant that seed in my
thoughts.
With her the only word was
gorgeous, physically attractive, yes, but the thing that most attracted me was
a wounded quality. Her boyfriend treated
her like a sex object and her mother exploited her as a babysitter, not even
letting her go to school. All I wanted
was to make her feel safe, to protect her and give her the chance to succeed on
her own. I wanted to make her happy, and
nothing more.
Vividly, I still remember
the pain I felt when I overheard my friend say his sister was pregnant. My stomach knotted up and I just couldn’t
handle that, sure, I knew she wasn’t a virgin, but I also knew she wasn’t ready
for kids. I felt so small, we were just
kids ourselves, and I didn’t have the fortitude to do what my heart wanted me
to. I walked away from her, from all of
them, and I have always regretted that.
I remember the last time I
saw her, across the room; she was sitting at a little kitchen table talking
about the baby with some friends. Our
eyes locked for a moment, a moment I can still think back on and live inside of
for hours on end. I wanted to walk over
and pledge my love to her, but I didn’t find the strength and just walked out
the door. At the time, I had a job offer
from Wayne J Griffin Electric in
Being so heartbroken in
the wake of what happened between us, and so ashamed of how poorly I handled
myself, I have simply let everything go, not really caring for anything. Filled with depression and the love for
someone I lost I simply never attempted to start another relationship. Sure, some women have made advances and
flirted with me, but I’ve never been willing to let myself fall in love again.
It’s been eight years
since I last laid eyes on her, and I find that I still think about her every
day. I know now that the girl I loved so
deeply, thoroughly, the one that I invested my emotions in is gone
forever. Wherever Michelle is, she is
likely so different now that I wouldn’t even recognize her, the girl I loved
doesn’t exist anymore, and the man that has been pining for her all these years
no longer exists either. I simply woke
up one day a new man ready to move on and get serious about my future;
hopefully I can find someone new to fall in love with.